5 Relationships That Are Keeping You Stuck

They say it’s not “what” you know, but “who” you know.

That’s not accurate—it’s actu­ally *how* you know.

*How* you relate to things matters more than *what* or *who* you’re relat­ing to. This is because how you relate to one thing is how you relate to anything.

You can change the what and who for decades, but if your “how” is off, your results will stay stag­nant. If you shift HOW you relate, then the “what” and “who” doesn’t matter.

This “how” goes way beyond the words and actions. Tactics, strate­gies, modal­i­ties, and ther­apy only focus on the behavioral-how of relationships—not the symbolic, mytho­log­i­cal arche­types that are running uncon­sciously.

It’s not just about people either.

Our rela­tion­ships with objects, ideas, envi­ron­ments, and people all reflect our inner psycho­log­i­cal land­scape and the way we manage energy. If these are distorted or miswired due to trauma or culture, we find ourselves having a diffi­cult time with even the most basic aspects of life—despite consciously know­ing the solu­tions.

This is why you may “know” all the meta­phys­i­cal or busi­ness ideas out there, and yet still not get the results you should be getting. Simply know­ing them isn’t enough—you need to know how to liter­ally embody and actively relate in the world.

Working with clients over the past decade, I’ve discov­ered the top five things (unordered) that people are out of rela­tion­ship with that keep them stuck:

1. Parents

Someone’s parents show you an uncanny deal about how they relate to key arche­types of life. They are the basis for the mascu­line and femi­nine concepts they carry with them into adult­hood, which are the primary yin and yang prin­ci­ples of creation. Their own rela­tion­ship with each other and yours with them has the largest influ­ence on shap­ing your world­view (personal devel­op­ment and heal­ing work aside).

For exam­ple, my parents fought a lot grow­ing up, so my inter­nal creative/feminine and logical/masculine aspects were often opposed and in conflict. Imagine how hard it is to create and make deci­sions when there’s always conflict inside.

2. Money

Someone’s rela­tion­ship with money tells you exactly how they manage energy. How they give and receive mate­r­ial objects, nutri­ents, plea­sure, love, wealth, and affec­tion.

For exam­ple, a client who had a hard time accept­ing money from others also deflected compli­ments and affec­tion­ate touch. The rejec­tion of receive money had noth­ing to do with dollars, but a deep-seated belief that she didn’t deserve to be loved.

3. Oneself

How we relate to ourselves is going to be how we relate to anything else. It’s frac­tal in nature. You can also see the truth about how you view your­self by your opin­ions and judg­ments of others.

For exam­ple, if at our core we see ourselves as ugly and despi­ca­ble, we will likely project that distor­tion out upon things in the world. We will see the cruelty and repul­sive­ness of others and discredit the beauty. Or, perhaps we will flip into reaction-formation and do every­thing we can to super­fi­cially try to make ourselves more pure and beau­ti­ful to compen­sate.

4. Fear

Our rela­tion­ship to fear will either stop us dead or propel us into great­ness. All heroes have fear—it’s how they relate to the fear that tran­scends them into heroic realms. The fear may trans­mute and dissolve through their jour­ney, or it may stay and they learn how to relate to it and culti­vate courage despite it.

For exam­ple, most people see fear as some­thing to run away from. This makes sense 10,000 years ago when we faced a pack of wolves, but not when speak­ing on a stage. The most success­ful people I’ve met see fear as an indi­ca­tor of where to go—not what to avoid. Whenever I see some­thing I’m afraid of, I know—from relent­less experience—that what I need (not always want) is on the other side of it. This makes fear the great­est teacher, rather than the enemy. You see people that are at war with fear, and it always seems like their life is a battle.

5. Life

The way we relate to life itself sets both macro and micro themes for our own life expe­ri­ence. Is life a drag, where we go from cradle to grave slav­ing away in the rat race? Is life a beau­ti­ful expe­ri­ence of adven­ture and connec­tion? Is life a horri­fy­ing thing we must construct a fantasy about so we don’t have to face real­ity?

For exam­ple, one person sees life as “a surfa­ble wave” and rides every­thing through with do direc­tion neglect­ing all responsibility—and another sees life as “duty to one’s coun­try” and loses all sense of plea­sure. While both have some merits, they are both out of rela­tion­ship with func­tional, essen­tial aspects of being fully alive.

None of these are right or wrong, good or bad. But some are much more func­tional and expan­sive than others.

Now—how do we deter­mine if the way we relate to these 5 things is func­tional or not?

Through feed­back.

If the response we get from life is chron­i­cally not what we think we should be getting, it tells us that how we *think* we are relat­ing vs the *real­ity* isn’t congru­ent. And only once we know the truth can we make any last­ing change.

And not just any feed­back will do! It needs to be accu­rate feed­back that is not distorted by filters, projec­tions, and agen­das.

If you have a trusted source for that—great.

If not, that’s where I can help.

If you’d like to accel­er­ate this process of discov­er­ing how you relate to money, part­ners, your busi­ness or art, you, and life itself by decades and are sincere in your desire to wake up… and have an open mind about trying some “unusual” approaches…

Then the next step is to learn more about our upcom­ing 2‑day Fractal Relation week­end work­shop just a few weeks away:

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