How A Miserable Kid Overcame All Odds… And Found Enlightenment Along The Way

This is the story of 2004 to 2014 to 2019, the 1st, 2nd, 3rd frames of this picture.

In 2004 (first picture) I was in high school. I had few friends, and I hated the entire school system. I was depressed, crying myself to sleep on Friday nights. I had thoughts of suicide. I hated every­one, includ­ing myself. I could have been one of those guys you hear about a school tragedy on the news.

Since 1st grade, I was bullied because of warts on my fingers in a small town in upstate NY. Even when they were gone, my self-esteem was shot, and the prece­dent of shun­ning me was estab­lished. I took it person­ally, and the next 12 years of my life were hell. Every 80’s teen nerd cliche was my real­ity.

Emotionally and spir­i­tu­ally, I was in agony.

At 17 I decided I was going to either end it, or do what­ever it takes to figure this out. To have friends that cared, girl­friends that liked me, a career that was enjoy­able, to be happy and actu­ally love myself and my life.

I spent the next decade learn­ing every­thing I could around personal devel­op­ment, transper­sonal psychol­ogy, holis­tic health, spir­i­tual trans­for­ma­tion, and entre­pre­neur­ship. I invested years of my life, tens of thou­sands of hours, and at least 6 figures into heal­ing, growth, mentor­ship, and the best of the best under­ground modal­i­ties for trans­for­ma­tion that exist.

I started a soft­ware company at 18 and it served some pretty cool clients like Disney, Samsung, Sony Pictures, Whole Foods, and even one of my teenage geeky inspi­ra­tions. I back­packed for 6 months in parts of Europe and SE Asia.

Eventually, things started improv­ing and I was making great strides to becom­ing “a better person”.

I decided to start shar­ing every­thing I learned and make a career out of help­ing others do the same. I became board certi­fied and started coach­ing. I even­tu­ally got picked up by a major publisher, and I thought I made it.

“This is it!”, I thought. “Now I’m here.”

…little did I know that a few months later every­thing would fall apart.

In 2014 (the second picture) I was home­less, and I had to make a choice: continue doing what I was doing or stop every­thing and try some­thing new.

Oblivious to my own narcis­sism, ego, and validation-seeking — no amount of knowl­edge could compen­sate for a lack of embod­i­ment. I knew the ideas, but my results weren’t match­ing what I thought “should” work.

So I stopped.

I stopped dating. I stopped writ­ing. I stopped coach­ing. I stopped trying to “make it”.

I stopped lying to myself. I stopped my denial. I stopped doing “spir­i­tual” things.

I stopped trying to fix myself. I stopped read­ing self-help books. I stopped all of it.

I stopped all the things I was doing that perpet­u­ated the lie—that there was some­thing wrong with me.

I moved to upstate New York and lived in nature. I worked for and with a mentor for 3 years, learn­ing how to actu­ally embody all the spir­i­tual truths that I had learned the decade prior. (He was a true master and has recently passed. It was an honor to work together.)

I did things the oppo­site of how I did them before and all of a sudden started getting results. I removed myself from the hyster­i­cal, ungrounded, and insane… because I was one of them, and needed to find my real self, unswayed by the drama of others. People that cared about me, but were buying into my manip­u­la­tions of pitty.

This is quite liter­ally, the myth of ventur­ing out into the forest.

I started to feel every­thing I was avoid­ing and trying to compen­sate for…

😫 the shame
😫 the embar­rass­ment
😫 the unwor­thi­ness
😫 the sadness
😫 the betrayal
😫 the guilt
😫 the lone­li­ness
😫 the desper­a­tion
😫 the fear
😫 the self-hatred
😫 the ugli­ness

I was suppress­ing my joy, beauty, and gracious­ness and was cover­ing it over with a false generos­ity, humor, and posi­tiv­ity. After a decade of ther­apy, I was in denial that I was still this discon­nected and shut off.

But I was.

It was on video, I could see it. The proof was right there.

I could see how I was block­ing inti­macy. How I shut plea­sure off. How I had agen­das and were manip­u­lat­ing people. How I was objec­ti­fy­ing women. How I was look­ing for vali­da­tion. How I distorted my beauty. How I would­n’t let myself be loved.

It’s not fun writ­ing this.

So how does this all relate to you? I’ll get there in a moment.

You need to know the truth if you want to move forward.

That’s what helped me. Seeing the truth and getting feed­back about how I was relat­ing to myself, my part­ners, my friends, my envi­ron­ment, and the world. To have some­one love me enough to tell me the truth about how I was show­ing up in the world, espe­cially when it was unpleas­ant and unat­trac­tive.

I had people like that in my life, and they reflected back what no one else could. And at the high­est levels, psycho­log­i­cally, emotion­ally, spir­i­tu­ally, and somat­i­cally. I heard things I’d ne‘ver heard before, like how one side of my body had a differ­ent strat­egy than the other, or how the mascu­line aspect of me was berat­ing the femi­nine… and to see it for myself!

…wow. It has been some of the most chal­leng­ing inner work that I’ve ever done.

But now (third picture), there is more beauty, commu­nity, joy, silli­ness, sensu­al­ity, inti­macy, feel­ing, plea­sure, authen­tic­ity, pres­ence, wealth, and peace than ever before.

I have the mate­r­ial stuff too, like a nice 3 bedroom luxury house on 2 acres to myself, a fun BMW …and lots of snazzy fancy tech to run my semi­nars. Which sure beats sleep­ing in my car getting harassed by the police!

And I look and feel the health­i­est I’ve ever been as well.

What does all of this have to do with you?

I share this story for three reasons:

  1. To show the behind the scenes of what real life trans­for­ma­tion looks like over the course of a decade. Not just the flashy high­light reels, but the dark­est, most embar­rass­ing parts of my life where real change happens. No “gurus” are will­ing to expose them­selves, but I things it’s a shame because my clients find it so heal­ing when I share where I’ve been.
  2. To prove this is possi­ble for ANYBODY will­ing to do what­ever it takes. You CAN change every­thing. However, last­ing, authen­tic, embod­ied spir­i­tual awak­en­ing isn’t about crys­tals or codes or goddesses or yoga pants or how many books you can read in a day—it requires sincere dedi­ca­tion and profound work that we show up for each day.
  3. To let a few of you who are will­ing to make the truth more impor­tant than anything else—who are ready to dive deep inside and return to the world with the beauty, joy, love, wealth, bril­liance, wisdom, and compas­sion you discover in your shadows—that I would love to have you a part of our commu­nity, work­ing at the high­est levels of trans­for­ma­tion in the world.

If that’s you, I have put together a short train­ing that can help you break through, and see if we’re a good fit to work together. You’ll discover why most people who do personal devel­op­ment and conscious­ness work stay stuck, and the key that makes those thriv­ing in all areas of life take off.

You’ll also see why my approach of somatic awak­en­ing is completely differ­ent than anything else out there, and how work­ing with these ener­getic arche­types in the body helps people get a decade’s worth of trans­for­ma­tion in 6 months.

Register for the free train­ing video here >