How A Miserable Kid Overcame All Odds… And Found Enlightenment Along The Way
This is the story of 2004 to 2014 to 2019, the 1st, 2nd, 3rd frames of this picture.
In 2004 (first picture) I was in high school. I had few friends, and I hated the entire school system. I was depressed, crying myself to sleep on Friday nights. I had thoughts of suicide. I hated everyone, including myself. I could have been one of those guys you hear about a school tragedy on the news.
Since 1st grade, I was bullied because of warts on my fingers in a small town in upstate NY. Even when they were gone, my self-esteem was shot, and the precedent of shunning me was established. I took it personally, and the next 12 years of my life were hell. Every 80’s teen nerd cliche was my reality.
Emotionally and spiritually, I was in agony.
At 17 I decided I was going to either end it, or do whatever it takes to figure this out. To have friends that cared, girlfriends that liked me, a career that was enjoyable, to be happy and actually love myself and my life.
I spent the next decade learning everything I could around personal development, transpersonal psychology, holistic health, spiritual transformation, and entrepreneurship. I invested years of my life, tens of thousands of hours, and at least 6 figures into healing, growth, mentorship, and the best of the best underground modalities for transformation that exist.
I started a software company at 18 and it served some pretty cool clients like Disney, Samsung, Sony Pictures, Whole Foods, and even one of my teenage geeky inspirations. I backpacked for 6 months in parts of Europe and SE Asia.
Eventually, things started improving and I was making great strides to becoming “a better person”.
I decided to start sharing everything I learned and make a career out of helping others do the same. I became board certified and started coaching. I eventually got picked up by a major publisher, and I thought I made it.
“This is it!”, I thought. “Now I’m here.”
…little did I know that a few months later everything would fall apart.
In 2014 (the second picture) I was homeless, and I had to make a choice: continue doing what I was doing or stop everything and try something new.
Oblivious to my own narcissism, ego, and validation-seeking — no amount of knowledge could compensate for a lack of embodiment. I knew the ideas, but my results weren’t matching what I thought “should” work.
So I stopped.
I stopped dating. I stopped writing. I stopped coaching. I stopped trying to “make it”.
I stopped lying to myself. I stopped my denial. I stopped doing “spiritual” things.
I stopped trying to fix myself. I stopped reading self-help books. I stopped all of it.
I stopped all the things I was doing that perpetuated the lie—that there was something wrong with me.
I moved to upstate New York and lived in nature. I worked for and with a mentor for 3 years, learning how to actually embody all the spiritual truths that I had learned the decade prior. (He was a true master and has recently passed. It was an honor to work together.)
I did things the opposite of how I did them before and all of a sudden started getting results. I removed myself from the hysterical, ungrounded, and insane… because I was one of them, and needed to find my real self, unswayed by the drama of others. People that cared about me, but were buying into my manipulations of pitty.
This is quite literally, the myth of venturing out into the forest.
I started to feel everything I was avoiding and trying to compensate for…
😫 the shame
😫 the embarrassment
😫 the unworthiness
😫 the sadness
😫 the betrayal
😫 the guilt
😫 the loneliness
😫 the desperation
😫 the fear
😫 the self-hatred
😫 the ugliness
I was suppressing my joy, beauty, and graciousness and was covering it over with a false generosity, humor, and positivity. After a decade of therapy, I was in denial that I was still this disconnected and shut off.
But I was.
It was on video, I could see it. The proof was right there.
I could see how I was blocking intimacy. How I shut pleasure off. How I had agendas and were manipulating people. How I was objectifying women. How I was looking for validation. How I distorted my beauty. How I wouldn’t let myself be loved.
It’s not fun writing this.
So how does this all relate to you? I’ll get there in a moment.
You need to know the truth if you want to move forward.
That’s what helped me. Seeing the truth and getting feedback about how I was relating to myself, my partners, my friends, my environment, and the world. To have someone love me enough to tell me the truth about how I was showing up in the world, especially when it was unpleasant and unattractive.
I had people like that in my life, and they reflected back what no one else could. And at the highest levels, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and somatically. I heard things I’d ne‘ver heard before, like how one side of my body had a different strategy than the other, or how the masculine aspect of me was berating the feminine… and to see it for myself!
…wow. It has been some of the most challenging inner work that I’ve ever done.
But now (third picture), there is more beauty, community, joy, silliness, sensuality, intimacy, feeling, pleasure, authenticity, presence, wealth, and peace than ever before.
I have the material stuff too, like a nice 3 bedroom luxury house on 2 acres to myself, a fun BMW …and lots of snazzy fancy tech to run my seminars. Which sure beats sleeping in my car getting harassed by the police!
And I look and feel the healthiest I’ve ever been as well.
What does all of this have to do with you?
I share this story for three reasons:
- To show the behind the scenes of what real life transformation looks like over the course of a decade. Not just the flashy highlight reels, but the darkest, most embarrassing parts of my life where real change happens. No “gurus” are willing to expose themselves, but I things it’s a shame because my clients find it so healing when I share where I’ve been.
- To prove this is possible for ANYBODY willing to do whatever it takes. You CAN change everything. However, lasting, authentic, embodied spiritual awakening isn’t about crystals or codes or goddesses or yoga pants or how many books you can read in a day—it requires sincere dedication and profound work that we show up for each day.
- To let a few of you who are willing to make the truth more important than anything else—who are ready to dive deep inside and return to the world with the beauty, joy, love, wealth, brilliance, wisdom, and compassion you discover in your shadows—that I would love to have you a part of our community, working at the highest levels of transformation in the world.
If that’s you, I have put together a short training that can help you break through, and see if we’re a good fit to work together. You’ll discover why most people who do personal development and consciousness work stay stuck, and the key that makes those thriving in all areas of life take off.
You’ll also see why my approach of somatic awakening is completely different than anything else out there, and how working with these energetic archetypes in the body helps people get a decade’s worth of transformation in 6 months.