Stop Working On Your Relationships—Do This Instead

Working on your rela­tion­ships is inef­fec­tive.

Why? It’s simple: gram­mar.

Wait… what?

Think about it: what is a rela­tion­ship?

It’s a noun.

A noun is static. It’s a snap­shot of an accu­mu­la­tion of stories and mean­ings from the past. When you “work on a rela­tion­ship”, you’re from the outside-in trying to fix the past. It’s static and your perspec­tive is likely distorted.

More on this is a minute…

Most people try to tell a better story, or make a better ship, or talk about behav­iors they want changed. And this works… to an extent. Better strate­gies for coping with drama, conflict… better mean­ings to give situ­a­tions… better under­stand­ing of mascu­line and femi­nine ener­gies.

But some­how, the ship even­tu­ally sinks. And then you build a new ship that looks totally differ­ent but has the same crew, engine, rutter, and navi­ga­tion system.

Oh, but this time is differ­ent, and we have to try another modal­ity.

Ad nauseam, until your life looks like a rote shipyard—instead of glori­ous adven­ture, out deep in the depths of life sail­ing the seven seas.

And it’s not just our rela­tion­ships. I’ve spent more time trying to fix myself than actu­ally living! It never ends. It’s madness.

Do we just not then do anything and stop learn­ing and grow­ing?

Absolutely not. But there’s a better way.

Now, back to gram­mar.

What is the verb form of rela­tion­ship?


It’s dynamic. It’s active. It’s in the present moment. It’s inside engaged. It’s full of feel­ing. It’s unpre­dictable.

And those things are confronting. They force you to see your shadow. They invite you to feel uncon­di­tional love. And both of those terrify us.

This is why people spend inor­di­nate time on fascinating—but ulti­mately fairly useless—personality tests, modal­i­ties, books, and strate­gies. Again, they help, but only to a point. 5 semi­nars, 98 videos, 34 recom­mended but unread books, 2 “life coaches” later—and we’ve success­fully avoided actu­ally having to feel vulner­a­ble and relate to another person in real life.

Nooo, anything but that!

It’s all a distrac­tion.

You may not like me for saying it, but it’s the truth. And the truth is the only thing that will change anything for you.

It’s an avoid­ance of feel­ing. Of feel­ing lonely, inad­e­quate, unlov­able, aban­doned, lonely, incom­pe­tent, rejected, not enough.

Ask me how I know.

When I became aware of how I was actu­ally relat­ing to others and life—I discov­ered it was almost the oppo­site of how I thought I was. No amount of work­ing on my rela­tion­ships could change that. It wasn’t until I began to relate in a new way that every­thing, almost magi­cally, started to shift after a decade of strug­gle and “personal devel­op­ment”.

More sensu­al­ity, beauty, and playfulness—yes, even as a man. How I lead and follow, give and receive, set bound­aries and owned my power are all more grounded and effec­tive in love, busi­ness, and commu­nity.

This is the secret.

Change the way you relate to one thing, and all your rela­tion­ships shift. How you relate to one thing is how you relate to anything.

If you’re inter­ested in discov­er­ing the truth about how you’re uncon­sciously relat­ing to every­thing: your part­ners, money, your­self, your clients, and life itself—and to end the drama, jeal­ousy, hurt, guilt, inse­cu­rity, scarcity, and conflicts…

Learn more about the next Fractal Relation work­shop (the next one is just a few weeks away) by visit­ing this page:

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